My Dad's Message

After writing my last blog entry, I decided to do a reading to see if I could reach my Dad. He died 9 years ago, and I have never opened channels to him. It’s complicated.

The first reading was so very complex. It presented an accurate snapshot of how Dad left things when he died. I always said he was a horror show under a thin veneer of civilization. That’s harsh, I know. He wasn’t evil, just conflicted and mean-spirited and judgmental. When I envision him, I see a dragon crouched on his treasure hoard. I’m not going to sugarcoat it—he was stingy in every way. He was also very paranoid in his last years.

That reading is way too messy for our purposes here. It would take a long time to explain all the details. It was spot on, though. And it gave me the sense that Dad has done a lot of work since he left us. The reading also said that soon I would have my “aha” moment about Dad and be able to put all these things into perspective. Read on.

I did a second reading this morning using a different spread and based on the info I already had. Number 1: Dad and I both recognize there was a lot of hurt on both sides. Number 2: Dad is repairing his own soul and wants us to heal as well.

I started the reading with four cards that represented Dad. These would let me know I was in fact talking to him. They are descriptive. Judgment tells me he’s met his maker. Died and gone on. This card also heralds a fresh start. The two pentacle court cards describe him as a very materialistic man. The King of Pentacles is connected to the sun sign Taurus, which he was. The 7 of Cups says he was very self-indulgent, pandering to his own fantasies and whims. That’s Dad. (Later for clarification, I drew the 6 of Swords, telling me that he is past all that now. In both readings, he stressed that he is not that person now.)

The next four cards were Dad’s message to me. He wants success and happiness for me. He sees that I am stressed and sad about things in my life and wants to help. I drew the Queen of Pentacles next. He wants me to contact my Mom. He believes she can help me, that we can help each other. (And there was a very specific thing he wants me to tell Mom.)

At this point, I experienced an odd emotion from him—compassion. It was my undoing. I cried. I recognized that our relationship was a two-way street. I spent a lot of time pushing against him. I told him I forgive him. The revelation came when I asked him to forgive me. I have never asked my Dad’s forgiveness. I always felt perfectly justified in the things I felt about him. He prompted me to draw more cards.

The 2 of Swords. Dad says, “We’re even now. Let’s put down this feud.” (Said with much love and compassion. He let me know he put it down a long time ago.)

And then his perspective of our relationship: So many Wands. I am impulsive where he was practical. I was always running off half-cocked, never seeing the big picture. I was constantly on the defensive when it came to him. I will own that. It’s true. This wasn’t more of his judgment. This was a true explanation of how he viewed me in life and why we were always at loggerheads.

So I next asked him for guidance. What would you tell me, Dad? The Five of Wands is a card about strife and competition. Not malicious stuff, but the stuff of life. The message: Life is a struggle and you’re fighting your way through it right now.

The next card was the 9 of Pentacles. Dad said, “You are a strong woman. You can handle all this.” Exactly the warmth and the love and the guidance I so wanted from him in life. This was Dad’s pat on the back and the encouragement that every child yearns for from their parent. “I have faith in you. You can do this.” Is it sad that Dad never said this to me in life? I think so. But he has said it now.

Friends, I was bawling, and I still tear up every time I read over this. With this message, I have been given a healing release of emotion. The grudge and all the twisted feelings I have retained about my Dad all this time are gone. Today I let the mean Dad go.